CW: homicide, violence, grief
I haven’t posted here in over a week, ahh!!! Bad Megan! I did do a few patreon posts about how ptsd has been showing up for me, and about how my mom’s murderer might get out in 2025 and how that’s affecting me. Oh, and I also found her hospital papers which really messed with me for a few days.
I went to get those papers from the hospital she died at because I was curious. I wanted to know as much as I could about what happened to her, even though I saw it happening, I wanted to know what I did not see when they took her away. I didn’t open the papers for over a year, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Then one day I was just ready. I can’t explain it, I just knew it was time. Looking at them made me lose sleep for a few nights and this time, the second time I’ve looked at them, was no different.
The thing that keeps playing over and over in my mind is that they said when they put her in the ambulance she was still talking, and then she coded. They were able to bring her back, but she died on the operating table. She had been stabbed over 30 times in the chest.
I used to go to this support group for victims and family members/friends of victims of homicide called POMC, and when I’d talk about getting her hospital papers or looking at the crime scene or autopsy photos, everyone would be so divided on it. Some said yes, and some said HELL. NO. I understand both sides I think, but I wasn’t going to listen to what anyone said. Only what felt right for me, and I’m thankful because I think I needed to see some things as part of my healing journey.
I ultimately decided not to see her autopsy photos, but I did see the crime scene photos and photos of me. I accidentally saw one photo of my mom on the stretcher for just a few seconds. And then I got her hospital papers. Next time I’m in California I’d like to get my hospital records, too.
I was just talking about death on my instagram stories (leave it to me to always talk about death and sadness! Hey, I did USED to be better at balancing out these topics. I’ll get back to that sometime soon) and did a poll about how comfortable people were with death and dying. Most people said they were comfortable talking about it, and just a few said they weren’t.
Because of the traumatic way my mom died, I think one of the best things I’ve done for myself is become ‘death positive’. I listened to podcasts and read books, I can’t remember many off the top of my head except those by Caitlin Doughty, which is an awesome place to start. If you’d like, I can do a whole post about what I did to help myself become more death positive. Just comment below!
It helped so much to learn about what actually happens to us when we die, it took the scary mystery away and has helped me come to terms with her death, and my eventual death as well. It’s not perfect, I still get scared and definitely am traumatized about losing those around me, but I’m much, much better off now than I was all those years ago.
SO yeah, my sleep has still been struggling because of my anxiety and ptsd, but I had a great week all together.
We finished Tiny Beautiful Things, and continued on with Yellowjackets. Two of my favorite shows. We’re also watching 90 Day Fiance’ (I love the trans representation this season!), Farmer Wants a Wife, and Seeking Brother Husband. I started watching a few seasons of Little People Big World while I worked. I like having something on in the background. I am a sucker for all things TLC channel.
I got a few new books which I’ll talk about in another post. I’ve been reading each night which has been so awesome because I go through phases where I can’t pay attention at all. So I enjoy it when it happens.
Miranda had her psychiatry appointment and got on some anxiety meds which we hope will help her with her mental health of course, but also her seizures. We did a long gardening job on Monday that I was sore from all week! 👀 I am so out of shape.
That about covers my week. I know there’s only one week of #CampNanoWriMo left, but I would still like to post here more often even when it’s done. It’s been so much fun, although all I seem to talk about is sad shit. I guess I’m just really going through it right now… We’ll return to the #QueerJoy soon! Promise!
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