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I wish my trauma made me more badass…

cw: Trauma! I feel like all of my writing has a CW and I’m sorry about it 🌞

Ugh, today is finally the first day of #CampNaNo that I really didn’t feel like sitting down to write. 

I knew it would happen eventually. But I am pushing through. These posts are more like diaries (which is appropriate since I did title it NanoDiaries, lol). I used to think I needed to have a topic and make it more professional sounding, but since it’s camp nano, I decided to just do what I felt like doing. So, diaries it is.

Today I was doing errands and then the library then home to do work, work, work. Lots of tasks. My head is spinning and I have too many tabs open. I am also jittery from coffee which happens more often than I’d like. 

I was thinking of what I wanted to share today, and since I shared about a show yesterday, I wanted to do the same today- but my current FAVORITE SHOW- Yellowjackets. My friend Leigh told me I would love this show a long time ago, but it took me quite some time to give it a chance. 

I knew it was about trauma, and sometimes that’s a downer, so I like to stick with my usual reality tv where I can just turn off my brain and veg out most of the time. I’m so glad I tried Yellowjackets, though. 

It’s great and I  think everyone should watch it. It’s queer, it’s funny and sad and heartfelt, the characters are badass. It leaves you wanting more every episode. But one thing that was on my mind last time I watched was

“Damn, I wish my trauma made me more like that”.

Shauna is one of the characters, I won’t say too much because I don’t want to give anyone who hasn’t watched it spoilers, but the basic premise is that the all girls soccer team goes on a plane trip to a championship game, the plane crashes and they all have to survive out in the wild for months and months- maybe years, I’m not sure yet. Being out in the wild they have to do things they normally wouldn’t do to survive. It’s very traumatic for them and they get crafty to entertain and feed themselves. 

I really like how they cover trauma and loss- but Shauna is my favorite character in particular. It shows them as teenagers and then it shows them later in life, it goes back and forth as the story and characters develop. 

She’s such a badass and it seems as though her trauma has given her super thick skin and she’s not afraid of ANYTHING. I was thinking “Now, why did my trauma make me afraid of any and everything, but hers seems to have made her stronger?”

Now I know this is a fictional TV show, but still. 

I want to be more fearless in life. I want to think about how much I’ve been through and how brave I’ve always had to be and make that propel me into the universe with whatever happens. But I’m just not that way.

I am scared. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking someone is in my house. I worry about all the bad things that can happen. I can barely watch the news because that filter of “these things happen to other people, but not me…” is gone. Every tragedy, shooting, murder- I know it can happen to me or someone I love. I can see it happening. I grieve and cry with the victims I see on tv and know at least a bit about how hard their lives will be going forward. It’s terrible. 

I have always tried to make my vulnerability, my sadness, and my sensitivity my super power, but I’m tired, ya’ll! I would much rather be an ass-kickin baddie like Shauna who can scare anyone and really knows how to get shit done. 

Hmmph. Is that realistic? I’m not sure. 

I would love to change overnight. As the years have passed the way my PTSD and the trauma affects me has changed, sure, but it’s still there, so present always. It’s never too far away. I am always looking at the world through trauma-covered glasses and it sucks. I’d like to be free from it for even a day. 

I am not in therapy right now because I needed a break, but I’ve done therapy for years. I’ve done EMDR, meditation, medication, all of the things to try and help myself, and I am still tired and sad. 

My life is so much better than I ever thought it would be, but it’s all so exhausting. Sharing it here and on my patreon has helped so much, and when someone say something I write about resonates with them or helps them not feel so alone, I know it’s all worth it. 

Before I go, I want to say how much I just adore the actress who plays Shauna on Yellowjackets, Melanie Lynskey. I am kind of obsessed with her since this show. 

It comes on Showtime every Friday night! I hope you will watch, and if you do or already do watch, let me know what you think! 

If you like my blog, please consider joining me on Patreon to see my exclusive blog posts. I hope to see you there! Thank you for reading. 


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