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Not ready to let go…

cw: my mother’s murder, murderer info.

Hello again! Yesterday’s post was on Patreon, so members got to see that, if you’re not a member, what are you waiting for? You can join my patreon for as little as $1.11 a month which grants you access to all the exclusive posts I’ve ever written since 2020, plus my Tarot Tuesday where I will pull a card for you at your request. 🌞 Lots of fun stuff happening there. Yesterday’s post was about 3 people who really helped save my life after my mom’s murder & my attempted murder. When I first got out of the hospital, it felt like all the color left my world, and it took years to get it back. 🥲

Anyway, now that I got my shameless plug out of the way, hi hi. Today I had to do my gardening job in the morning, then came home in time for my psychiatry appointment. 

Having issues with mental health is like a part-full time job depending on the day. I explained my issues with PTSD lately but knew there was nothing she could do except offer me sleeping pills. I am already on everything else. I have a ton of sleeping pills upstairs because I never take them. It’s a good idea in theory, but I just can’t make myself. I think it’s because the night of the break in, my mom was half asleep which is why she was not able to fight back or get away from the knife. Who knows what would have happened had she been awake, but I know for sure I would have been dead if I was asleep. So there’s lots of issues with me sleeping already, then I can’t even imagine taking something that might make me not aware of what’s going on. I have anxiety about taking anything as it is. 

When I moved into Miranda’s house my mental health was amazing for months and months and I took much less anxiety meds then I used to, but now I’ve been taking more again since my PTSD has been acting up.

We’re getting closer to June which is always a terrible mental health time for me. That’s the anniversary of my mom’s murder on the 16th. 

I made the mistake of looking up the inmate information and seeing the possible release for the murderer a few nights ago. It’s set to be in 2025. I knew it would happen eventually, but I am not ready for it to be so close. I don’t know what it will do to my mental health when she’s out of prison. 

I am all the way on another coast, but I will still worry that she’s out to get me again. 

This is the kind of vulnerable thing I don’t like to write about on my free blog, I do this more on patreon. But I am also trying to do things to get out of my comfort zone regarding this whole thing. I am planning on working on my memoir for November’s #NaNoWriMo, and what happens when I finish it? I’ve got to get comfortable with the fact that people will actually be reading it. People I don’t know, people I do, and maybe even the murderers’ friends or family. 

I was reading a book last night that talks about keeping your frequency in high vibrations by letting go of your anger and what’s holding you back. But I don’t know how to do that quite yet in this instance. 

I go through periods where I feel like I could forgive her, although she’s never asked… but then I go through phases where I can’t imagine ever forgiving her. But it doesn’t matter if I do or not. It doesn’t affect the outcome, the only one it affects is me. So I’m the one losing. And I’m the one who’s lost this whole time. 

How do I ever fully move on from this?

Another big issue for me is if I will actually go to the hearing or not. That’s such a complicated issue for me that I’ve written about on patreon. My old therapist helped me work through this a bit but I might change my mind still who knows. (I’m not currently in therapy- I needed a break.) If I do go, it might set me back a lot with all the work I’ve done over the last 16 years, but if I don’t go, it might seem like I don’t care or am over it. I can assure you I will never be over it, but I don’t want it to appear that way to anyone- the murderer, the judge, her family… I also have a lot of guilt feeling like I am standing my mom up or something if I don’t go. 

But my therapist reminded me I have to do what’s best for my inner child that I’ve been healing for the last several years. And since it won’t affect the outcome either way, well I have a lot to consider here!

More to come on this issue soon 

Thanks for reading. 

See you Monday! 

If you like my blog, please consider joining me on Patreon to see my exclusive blog posts. I hope to see you there! Thank you for reading. 


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