PTSD Triggers

CW: Trauma, homicide, ptsd. 

This morning was spent on the phone making dr’s and neurology appointments for my partner. I love making phone calls, but it’s always such a hassle dealing with insurance. I also did some work tasks and was motivated to write! Go me!

I finally slept through the night last night.

I’ve been having some really bad PTSD issues recently. I wish I knew what triggered them this time. 

For those of you who are new here, my mother was murdered and I survived attempted murder in 2006 when I was 18 years old. Someone broke into our house and attacked us with a knife, but I was able to get away (cue massive survivors’ guilt. But that’s a story for another day, and I’ve worked through it so much, thank goodness). 

I’ve written a lot about this on my patreon and have done a podcast called “What if a murderer appeared at your bedroom door?” on This is Actually Happening, if you want more details of the night. 

Since then I have had major sleeping issues. First of all, the attack happened in the middle of the night around 2:30 am. I ran outside and hid behind a car in someone’s driveway down the street in the dark, and when I was bleeding out and thought I was dying, it felt like going to sleep. So dark and sleep are not my friends… usually. 

But other times, like the last 8 months or so, I fall asleep so easily and sleep so well. When I am having an easy few months I forget how horrible my sleep issues can be. My partner and I laugh at how easily I can fall asleep sometimes, sitting up, and within a few minutes I’m snoozing and snoring. I can still fall asleep easily, but I wake up and can’t go back to sleep.

Lately I wake up in the middle of the night and need to wake Miranda up to go to the bathroom with me because I’m too scared. I have to take anxiety meds which I haven’t been doing as much. I feel frozen in fear that someone is in the house and I am too scared to get up and check. I will just play on my phone and sit there, thinking of every little noise I hear, and wondering what will happen. I’m so tense and it feels so stressful. 

We sleep with the TV on which helps, and I requested we get a bat from the basement to keep next to our bed. That has been helpful too. But when I am having a rough PTSD time I go back to some of the shameful feelings I used to get back in the earlier trauma days- feeling like I need a ‘babysitter’. 

I hate to wake her up. I hate feeling like a child who needs comfort and reassurance. I try to remind myself that my inner 18 year old child really DOES need and deserve that comfort, and that I *know* what I’ve been through can happen again, although it’s unlikely. So I try not to be too hard on myself. 

Things happening in the world can trigger it, sure. Shootings and hearing of other murders on the news- so I try to avoid watching. I want to be aware of what’s going on but I also don’t want my mental health to get to such a bad point where it used to be. I recently unfollowed all of the true crime instagram accounts I had been following for the last few years because I think that makes it worse for me too. 

I was so happy when I was finally able to jump on the true crime bandwagon and start listening to My Favorite Murder and watch true crime movies and documentaries. It made me feel like a normal person. But I have to know when to turn those things off for my own well being, it’s been a struggle, but I think I’m doing better at knowing when that is. 

I’m so thankful for my partner Miranda helping me and keeping me calm during the day, and then being so supportive with me at night. I am so lucky. 

I’ve been very fortunate to have some amazing friends and support over the last almost 17 years. I will have to write a blog post about that soon. There have truly been some wonderful moments of love and care when I needed it most that I never knew was possible.

18 minutes in and I’ve already passed my goal of 750 words. Thank you for reading and keeping up with my #CampNano progress! See you tomorrow!

If you like my blog, please consider joining me on Patreon to see my exclusive blog posts. I hope to see you there! Thank you for reading. 

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